Sharing another writing from 1998 – TWiG – Teach What Is Good..  


A wife asked her husband if their budget could handle her buying a new pair of glasses.  He replied if you bought glasses it would take our checking account down to 0.  She said okay and walked away.  He thought he had handled that so tactfully.  Two weeks later she walked in and asked her husband how he liked her new glasses.  He was surprised she had gone out and bought the glasses.  Although he thought he was conveying that that they didn’t have enough money for his comfort level.  What she heard was “Honey, we have just enough money this month for you to buy new glasses.” 

Communication can be tricky.  We can all talk till we are blue in the face and not communicate.  Many times what comes out of our mouth is pointless and fruitless.  It takes the form of gossiping, passing rumors or endless lectures.  Talking keeps us wrapped into a cocoon of ungenuine safety.  We take no risks therefore we conclude we will not be hurt.  Unfortunately we allow a part of us to stay closed in and die.  This creates no room for understanding, but an arena for misunderstanding.

Communication on the other hand takes courage.  It requires risk, as we become vulnerable.  As one communicates, one shares a part of themselves and is free to express their feelings in a way that validates their uniqueness, their happiness of their joys, and the honesty that they do not live in a perfect world – they struggle.  Mark 7:6 (my paraphrase)”True communication comes from the heart not the lips.”  However for many communication is scary and often we fear it can make a situation worse.  We are afraid of another’s reaction.  Perhaps they will consider our feelings insignificant; perhaps they will reject us.  We must not base our value on another person’s reaction, but on the God who knows us.  As we take baby steps in learning to communicate with those we have relationships with, we are given strength.  Strength that builds more strength. There is a freedom in true communication.  The words may be hard, often they are choked out.  But there is a newness, a fresh start that is gained by not carrying the burden of burying our feelings, opinions, joys and struggles.  Will we communicate on the same level with everyone?  No.  There are many people in our lives – and some will be closer than others.        

At 33 years of age, I find myself often choosing to reside in Fantasyland.  I bet you thought you had to travel to Disneyland to visit there.  Or maybe you know the fantasyland I’m talking about.  The place where you believe you must say just the right thing, that if you are nice and sweet to others they will automatically anticipate your needs and dreams.  Instead you find yourself wondering when the last time was you had an original thought travel through your brain, let alone know what your opinion was on something that didn’t have to do with raising children.  Recently I was introduced to Reality.  And I found out that my ways of communicating in fantasyland were not effective in real life..  I also knew that I wanted something more than to live in a  pretend world and that all the wishful thinking in the world was not going to enable that to happen.  I needed to learn to communicate.

We all want to be known, to be understood.  Those two things could easily be defined as love.  But how can we communicate to others what we need and think if we don’t even know ourselves.  There is a lot of wonderful information about communication.  It comes in all kinds of forms.  You can pick up any woman’s magazine and more than likely find an article on communication or relationships.  I think some of it can be very useful.  But without knowing what your likes and dislikes are, what feeds you, what drives you crazy, what delights your heart, and what your dreams are, you are just talking about methods not learning how to communicate with another individual in a way that makes God smile.

How do we do this?  By learning to communicate first with our Heavenly Father.  Go to the source – the one who knows you.  It is safe to learn to communicate with someone who accepts you right where you are today, who will never pull his love away no matter what you express, to find comfort that nothing is hidden from him anyway, and that He wants what is best for you.  It takes practice and commitment.   Communication requires a choice to lay aside what begs to distract.  A 10-minute period of time that is free of distraction is worth 1 hour if you’re mind doesn’t want to be there.  

It was in my moments of focus that I learned how Jesus communicated with others and began to apply it in my communication skills with others. 

  1. Spoke the truth in love.
  2. Was gentle and humble
  3. Compassionate yet strong
  4. Never condones sin but does not judge
  5. Never forces himself on anyone
  6. Communicates verbally and by touch
  7. Did not rehash things once said
  8. Communication takes time
  9. Just as important to listen as it is to talk